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Funny Dirty Jokes

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

 

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

 

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?

A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

 

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

A: Because their plugged into a genius!

 

Q: What does a lamb shagger say?

A: Bang a lamb a ding dong

 

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

 

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a dog!

 

Q: What do you call an afghan virgin

A: Mever bin laid on

 

Q: Why did God give men penises?

A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

 

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

A: A lickalotopis

 

Q: When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?

A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice

 

Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

A:Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

 

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?

A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. What’s the difference between the holidays and sex? During sex, you don’t have to pretend to have fun with the whole family.

 

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies

 

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

 

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

 

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

 

Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?

A: They both suck for four quarters.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

 

Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

A: The grass tickles their balls

 

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t? A: Her navel.

 

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?

A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

 

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?

A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!

 

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

 

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?

A: When he eats his first Brownie.

 

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

 

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?

A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

 

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

 

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

 

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?

A: FUCKS FUNNY

 

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: Snowballs.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

 

Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?

A: ……….. a shit (think about it)

 

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

 

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

 

Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?

A: They both only change their pads after every third period!

 

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

 

Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?

A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

 

Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

A: The back of my hand.

 

Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?

A: The PGA tour.

 

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

 

Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

 

Q: How do you kill a retard?

A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”

 

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?

A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

 

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?

A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

 

Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?

A: Trust me.

 

Q: What do you call it when you photograph childbirth?

A: child bornography

 

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?

A: Pull some strings.

 

Q: Why can’t Jesus eat m&m’s?

A: Because he has holes in his hands.

 

Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?

A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves

 

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done…

 

Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?

A: You would be all right.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn?

A: Porn

 

Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?

A: A bucking horse.

 

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?

A: He got the gas bill.

 

Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?

A: I wanna rock!

 

Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?

A: Wave to them!

 

Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?

A: Anything you want.

 

Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?

A: He didn’t have any arms.

 

Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?

A: The one alive in the middle chewing it’s way out.

 

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

 

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